Do you know that devastating feeling of not being good enough? That all consuming emotion that encompasses your relationships, your career, or just trying to be a successful adult? I am regularly overwhelmed by this emotion. Somehow I don’t quite measure up to my own and others expectations. Like my inner demons seem to win more days than I do. This is a story of how those dark thoughts led me here; to a dive bar, sobbing over a cocktail and starting of all things…. a blog.
I know I know… no one reads blogs anymore. And fair warning I am not the best writer. But I needed an outlet I could have creative control of, so please bear with me….
I lost myself this year. I lost my mind. I had a mental breakdown. And not for the first time in my life. I am the type of person who is always breaking down about something. And this time honestly doesn’t feel any different.
Earlier this year I seemed to be failing continuously at my career, fucking up audition after audition. I’ve been trapped in a never ending cycle scraping to get by financially. Then my relationship with a close family member was severely damaged after an emotional fight. Followed very quickly with the upheaval of my relationship with my boyfriend. Resulting in what currently feels like the worst outcome that could happen: the two of us basically being in limbo. Neither of us knowing whether we should keep working at it or move on from each other. I was fucking EVERYTHING UP. Everything seemed uncertain and if there is anything that feeds my anxiety monster the most its uncertainty.
The uncertainty sent me spiraling out. I couldn’t sleep. I was forgetting to eat. I didn’t recognize myself at all. I was openly sobbing at work. I was making irrational out of character decisions. I was reaching out for every life preserver I could find. Needing constant contact with friends and family to keep from spiraling deeper. The more I tried to fix everything. The worse everything got.
The light that usually shined inside me had dissipated. I kept thinking all of it was my fault. If I had just tried harder. Hustled more. Been a little kinder, softer. Been… better. Your’e supposed to stay positive, right? Focus on the future, move forward? But I didn’t feel like there was any kind of future for me. I felt like there was this massive empty pit inside of me that nothing could fill.
That dark thought kept overpowering me. I’m just not good enough. I felt helpless. So much of it was out of my control. How was I even supposed to know what to do about any of it. How was I supposed to move forward and even begin to think about leaving parts of it behind. I had, and still have, an extreme lack of purpose. Where am I supposed to go from here?
So here is the thing, I am a Hot Fucking Mess, and I’ve decided to embrace it. There is something charming and beautiful about it. Its just who I am. All of this has made me realize its not that I’m too emotional or unworthy. I just am true to myself and my feelings. I’m spontaneous. I’m honest. I’m real. I’m not the only person who doesn’t have it all figured out. And who say’s I’m supposed to have it figured out anyway?
This is not the first time I’ve had a mental breakdown. I’ve been through this before. And I’m sure many people are tired of my shit. However, as dramatic as I tend to get I always get through it. Baby steps count as growth. And I’m grateful because I still have an amazing support system.
If anything I’ve realized I recommend falling apart to anyone. Its shitty and awful and painful. But there’s something rejuvenating about putting yourself back together again. Even if you’re doing it over and over again. You get to keep the parts of yourself that you love and start to let go of the parts of yourself you don’t want anymore.
I lost myself this year. I’m broken, raw and scared. There isn’t much I can do right now for these problems… except be patient. It took one drunken heart to heart with a random bartender to remind myself that I’m my own worst enemy and I’ve been through this before. “I’m not good enough” is my anxiety monster talking. And that bitch lies. Each time I defeated that inner demon I WAS good enough. Each time was its own story. Those stories are going to help me through this breakdown and the next one. And hopefully those stories might help you all through your own downfalls. Which leads us to right now. I started my night off planning on drinking my sorrows away and am ending it with a new goal. This blog is going to be about how I’ve overcome things in the past, and how I keep living everyday to its fullest. Doing my best to become the best version of myself I can be.
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