“My sexuality is not an inferior trait that needs to be chaperoned by emotionalism or morality.”Alice Bag
Welcome Back! Thank you for deciding to read the second half of my rant about some of the more uncomfortable experiences I’ve had being a single sexual being. If you haven’t read the first part I encourage you to do so here. In that first half of this blog post, I talk about how I am dumbfounded that so many men think they just have permission to kiss you as an attempt to “make a move.” And how so many times we end up in uncomfortable situations because many men don’t count activity as “sexual” unless their penis is involved. (I know insert eye-roll here right?)
Reading my previous post will make the first half of this post make so much more sense. Last we left off, I had been starting to date my long time friend who we’ve nicknamed for the purposes of this blog. “Puppy.” Puppy had really been pushing a physical and BDSM relationship when I was at a point in my life that I wasn’t comfortable with physical or sexual intimacy. I was trying to keep up with him to make him happy because I have a terrible habit of being a people pleaser. Things really started to get uncomfortable when “Puppy” showed up at my door with an “object” that symbolized ownership, and he was definitely disappointed in the fact that I wasn’t excited about it.
Continuing where we left off
After he showed up with “the object,” I definitely began to notice how unbalanced everything was becoming. I understood that he was a busy guy and I tried to understand talking about feelings wasn’t something he was good at. However, the ‘kink’ seemed to be the only thing we talked about ALL THE TIME. We didn’t even have time to do anything that might count as courting or dating. Weeks would go buy before I could see him again. At one point I had asked him if he would take me see Toy Story 4. He agreed. However he was so busy he made me meet him there, and then promptly left after the movie. We had been exploring seeing each other for over a month now and I couldn’t even get a proper date.
Keep in mind, I was still grieving the loss of my last relationship, who we’re calling “Jack Daniels.” I was doing the best I could to navigate this new thing, but in hindsight I was just trying to fill a hole left by “Jack Daniels.” The responsibility I had to both “Puppy,” and myself SHOULD have been better self-reflection on what I was feeling. I was blinded by heartbreak at the time.
My mother knew I was struggling, that I was depressed all the time, and that I was having a hard time letting “Jack Daniels,” go. She also knows that one of my favorite things is spontaneous adventure. Therefore one day she calls me up and asks me if I want to go on an impromptu trip. To help me shake all those feelings off and get back to myself again. YES! I was so excited.
It had been 2 weeks since I had seen “Puppy” at the Toy Story movie. It was a Friday, My mom and I were leaving on Sunday morning, and I had to work a double shift on Saturday to make sure I could afford to leave. We were going to be gone only 3 days. I reached out to “Puppy” and asked him to hang out because I wasn’t going to be available for a few days.
I did not get a text. I did not get a call. I got a SNAPCHAT that said simply. “I’m moving, I will be gone by the time you get back.” I was going to be gone less then a week… I hadn’t seen him in 2 weeks… and yet he was just moving. To be fair I knew he had been wanting to move, he had been looking at work opportunities out west. But I had no idea or indication that it was happening RIGHT AWAY. I tried to be supportive at first. I was in shock, and I couldn’t get upset at him following a work opportunity that was best for him.
I want to take a break for a moment and talk about Snap Chat. Why do so many boys insist on ONLY communicating through snap chat? Its a fun app for some things. For quick communication or visual communication. Or like I can even understand the use for sexting. However for EVERYDAY communication it is unreliable and really kind of shady. Do you like that conversations disappear? I mean I get that you guys don’t listen to us or actually read our texts anyway but do you enjoy having to re-ask questions because the answer disappeared? Seriously there are dozens of more reliable forms of communicating. SMS. Messenger. Whats App. Even Instagram is more reliable. Gentlemen, if your girl is remotely important to you don’t use an app that makes everything she sends you disappear. Grow up, be more reliable by using something more reliable.
The more I thought about it though… the more absurd I realized the whole thing was. Why was this the first I was hearing of it? He said he had just found out. Looking back though over the last two weeks all of the things that were keeping him busy from spending time together were all things someone does preparing to move. (ie: completely fixing up a car.) He knew for at least 2 weeks. He told me “originally he intended to spend a whole day with me and tell me.” However over the next few days while I was on the trip I kept trying to have an actual conversation about it, on the phone, via text. Anything other than SNAPCHAT and he just wouldn’t. Eventually he told me “I’m just to busy with getting ready to move.” Which means if I hadn’t of gone on the trip, he wouldn’t have been able to make the time to talk to me in person anyway. If I was someone he really had feelings for and respect for, why was he waiting till the last possible day anyway?
I started bringing up how the whole thing felt like just a sex thing. That it was absurd he couldn’t communicate that he was leaving, or where his feelings for me came from in the first place. To this day he still doesn’t understand why I felt that way. Why to a degree I still feel that way. Over time as I’ve processed it, I’ve realized it wasn’t feelings or love he was experiencing but a form of obsession. He had an idea of what he wanted me to be in his head and it wasn’t anything like the real me. I kept explaining that the fact that the only way he would ever communicate with me was through the ‘kink dynamic’ made me feel like our entire interaction just had to do with sex. He tried to explain that for him it was a form of affection, and connection.
I tried to point out that we skipped all the steps for that level of connection. That that wasn’t how I experienced feeling like I was cared for. That what made me feel cared for had to do with expressing thoughts on feelings. My biggest love language is words of affirmation. He said he wasn’t good at that… and to this day I am still FURIOUS that he at one point sat on my couch and LECTURED me on the importance of communication, but apparently its only important to him when it comes to getting off.
Over time we talked occationally in attempt to make sure our friendship would remain on some level. He still never told me how long he had “feelings,” where they came from, or what about me he liked. (other than explicitly talking about kinks) Months went by and finally I was able to start going on dates again and eventually started having sexual relations with new partners. Which “Puppy” found out about. And he was devistated.
I have empathy for him I do, it hurts knowing someone who you once saw a future with is starting to move on. However he told me on some level he hoped “Id always still be his.” ….. That mentality I don’t have empathy for. He moved. I was never his. In fact he went out of his way to make sure we didn’t “define the relationship,” except for kink labels and pet names for each other. It was never me he wanted a future with, it was the idea of me, the idea of someone who embraces his kinks. Which there is nothing wrong with. He deserves someone who can embrace them. And truthfully someone who actually wants those too. To tell you the truth there is NO WAY I personally could have maintained that kink. And I am a kinky mofo. But that one was way to much for me. The best case scenario for us to maintain a place in each others lives was definitely that he moved.
I understand that “Puppy” doesn’t think or communicate the way myself or other women do. That he doesn’t understand why so much of our interactions made me uncomfortable. He’s the kind of guy that doesn’t understand that when he gives a pretty girl out in public a complement why she gets mad. Simply because she DOESN’T WANT THE COMPLEMENT, She just want’s to be left alone, to shop, or workout, or just exist. Its just another way we exist only to please other people.
But there’s something validating in learning I wasn’t the only one. I ran into a mutual friend of ours one day while out at a networking event. We got to chatting about our lives and I started venting about my recent negative dating experiences. My friends face went stoic, as he told me he wasn’t comfortable being “Puppy’s” friend anymore. That “Puppy” had taken one of his good girlfriends out on a date for a hike. “Puppy” had started grabbing her face and aggressively kissing her. That now that girl is TERRIFIED of him. Now I know that being dominate like that is just a ‘Kink,’ for “Puppy.” That he assumes that all girls like that, and it wasn’t his intention to terrify someone.
However he never should have put her in that situation to begin with. Alone, in the woods, with a man MUCH LARGER AND STRONGER than you. That’s terrifying. I have no idea if he checked with her if she was into that kind of thing or not. But even if she was into that kind of thing, a first date in the middle of the woods is DEFINITELY not the right time or place. How does this logic escape some people?
Casual Sex is Great, But I Still Expect to Be Treated With Respect
The entire experience has left me feeling like I am a sex object to posses and not one to actually date and have a relationship with. Now I see this pattern everywhere. The thing about it that makes me the most frustrated is that I do love sex! So much, I am mature enough to handle occasional hookups and non committed sex. But for some reason my experience is becoming that I can either have it one way or the other. And honestly that’s Bullsh*t. Seriously. Men are allowed to just hoe it up and then turn around and have a white picket fence life with a wife and kids with a privilege free of the stigma. The rest of us not so much.
Why is it that because I enjoy sex and am comfortable with casual sex does that mean that’s all I am? Why does it mean someone can’t just get to know me. And before anyone argues that its because I am “easy.” First of all, go F yourself for slut shaming, and secondly I was celibate 3 years until slightly before meeting “Jack Daniels.” And I’ve done all the different ‘dating’ things for putting myself out there. And somehow I still end up more often than I would like being treated like an object, and not in a fun way.
Sometime after “Puppy” moved I started putting my shattered pieces that both he and “Jack Daniels” left me in. I began to start putting myself out there!
One night out on the town with a girlfriend of mine, we ended up staying out drinking later than we intended, and that’s where I met a man I’ll call “Vanilla.” He was charming, and attractive, and very very smooth talker. Tall, dark hair, and a delightfully pleasing beard. It was one of those instant connection kind of moments. I looked over and met his eyes and just knew he was checking me out. We flirted briefly and I made a strategic slip away that I knew would ensure he would come over to talk later in the night. Which he did. He chatted with my friends and we were hitting it off. He joined us after the bar was closed to an after party that ended up being a bust. He offered to take me back to his place.
I hadn’t slept with “puppy” not fully, and “Jack Daniels” was the only man I had been with for almost 6 years. (our relationship wasn’t that long but he was still the only one I had been with in that amount of time.) My friend pulled me into the bathroom where I told her I wasn’t sure if I should go. She told me she trusted the guy, there was an obvious connection and I should. She later basically shoved me into his uber lol
In the uber he told me. “Just so you know I just went through a breakup.” I drunkenly responded “Me too! That sucks though I’m sorry people are the worst.” He clarified that meant some of his ex’s stuff was still there and he didn’t want me to be uncomfortable. We had a lovely evening afterwards. To be honest it was pretty strait forward, hence the “Vanilla” nickname, however; we had a good time and I enjoyed myself. The next morning though I saw what he meant. I expected like, Audrey Hepburn posters and a few things left behind. But all of someones essentials were there. In perfect place. It looked like she still lived there…
If they had broken up it had to have been very recent. I remember thinking “Did you break up this morning DAMN!” I didn’t say anything and in that moment I realized this was just going to be a one night stand. Because even if he was telling the truth it was clearly so recent that I wouldn’t expect him to be looking for anything. Yet, when he took me back to my car trying to be a nice he got my number. I wasn’t expecting that. If this is where his and my story had ended it would have been just a positive one time causal sex encounter. But it isn’t.
After that I ran into him EVERYWHERE. I mean everywhere, for weeks for some weird twist of fate we ended up at the same bars and restaurants. And most of the time he was with a girl, a girl that always seemed to be the same girl. I was convinced he had lied to me and cheated on his girlfriend. Which caused some obvious resentment for me.
Months later I ran into him again. I had been stood up by a date I was supposed to have. So one of my girlfriends and I went out for a drink. If you haven’t met my drunk alter ego. She doesn’t know how to keep her mouth shut. Shes’s going to tell you exactly what she thinks. And I did. I called him out on his so called break up.
His intense physical reaction to that though made me wonder if he was telling the truth. IF he was, I am assuming they broke up right before I met him and then went back to trying to make it work. Which is why I presume I kept seeing them together. The rest of the night I vented to my girlfriend about how upset I was about being stood up. Full disclosure she is also, someone I’ve had a few casual physical encounters with. Life’s to short to just experience one gender 😉 Usually its just making out but it isn’t a secret that the two of us find each other attractive, and she is poly-amorous. We therefore spent some time making out at the bar.
“Vanilla,” though thought that this was us seeking his attention. Again, there are a certain amount of straight men who only view sex as one thing! And in their minds it can only involve them and their penises. After the bar closed she and I joined “Vanilla” and his friend for more drinks at his friends studio apartment. I was definitely down for a repeat of our first encounter. Especially because he was attractive, and having hope he didn’t actually cheat on his girlfriend I did hope there was something more there.
Once at his friends studio apartment. I was more than happy to separate from my girl friend and his friend and just make out in the kitchen. I was enjoying where the night was going, hoping we’d end up back at his place eventually. Because it was his friends studio apartment however, he pulled me into the bathroom. At first I was so down. I am a pretty kinky person after all and I was so disappointed to have been stood up. Things started to escalate and I was definitely enjoying myself.
Up until one little moment. There was a moment where he asked me to get down on my knees and I and suddenly I felt really small. I just looked at him. He could tell something was wrong and immediately stopped. Even though he respectfully stopped, I wanted to cry. I realized that this was someone I wanted to want to see me again. But to him, I was just a girl he could pull into a bathroom and get off. There was a reason I had never heard back from him the first time. I told him I wanted to go home and he very respectfully helped me exit the bathroom.
My friend took me home, where I vented about how small that whole thing made me feel. On the way back I started texting him just how angry I was. I went off. Like really went at him. He apologized. But I kept going. I realize now after talking about it with a counselor friend of mine that this was a “shame response.” I was lashing out because I felt ashamed. Because I felt used and small. Because of how disappointed I was that this person who seemed to have such a connection with me when I first met him, only saw me as one thing.
A few days later I tried to thank him for stopping when he realized how uncomfortable I was and tried to explain lashing out was keeping me from bursting out into tears. But I never heard back, solidifying that he just wanted to get off that night.
If you consider a woman less pure after you’ve touched her, maybe you should take a look at your hands.Kaija Sabbah
In reality, he didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t. There isn’t anything wrong with just wanting to get laid. I’m have nothing against just hooking up. He was respectful and receptive to my comfort level and even respectfully apologized. But I was still just a means to an end for him. I don’t currently understand why you cant have casual sex and also give them more respect than a quicky in a strangers bathroom? I am still a human being after all. And that is what still has me angry.
I really could have hooked up with him and moved on with my life, but why did it have to be immediately in that moment? Why couldn’t he have hung out with the group of us for a bit and then gone back to either of our places afterwards?
I’m not saying that all my interactions with men are this way. But these instances are enough to make me contemplate why? Why is giving into your physical desires more important that another persons value and comfort? Why is it that going on a date with someone automatically means you on track to get hitched?
“There is unbelievable power in ownership, and women should own their sexuality There is a double standard when it comes to sexuality that still persist. Men are free and women are not. That is crazy. The old lessons of submissiveness and fragility made us victims. Women are so much more than that. You can be a businesswoman, a mother, an artist and a feminist – whatever you want to be – and still be a sexual being. It’s not mutually exclusive.”Beyonce
Thoughts To Leave You With
I did not write these to bash men. And I refuse to slut shame myself or anyone else. It’s absurd that women like myself end up feeling less then simply because they have a sex drive. Just because I enjoy sex doesn’t mean I don’t deserve respect. You absolutely can have a one night stand and still treat someone with the respect a human deserves. “Puppy” really should have given me more space for physical intimacy. Of ALL VARIETIES. Since we had been friends for so long, we should have been able to get to a place to be able to have a conversation about what his feelings for me were and what he wanted from me before ANY physical intimacy happened. Including just kissing. It is UNQUESTIONABLY not okay that I was pushing myself to do things I wasn’t comfortable with physically but he wasn’t doing the same for me emotionally. And I hate that its colored our friendship for me negatively. So many times throughout the years he’s been there for me in one way or another. He really was a good friend. Yet I deserved so much better than how any of that went down.
I even vented to “Jack Daniels” about it all recently. Contemplating why we as a culture don’t really “date” the way we used to. We are afraid to just KNOW someone. Knowing someone doesn’t mean you’re committing to them permanently. His response “Whats wrong with taking a girl to dinner and then some ‘shenanigans’ afterwards?”
And all I’ve got to say is, right?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH TAKING A GIRL TO DINNER AND THEN SOME SHENANIGANS AFTERWARDS? Treating a girl to more than a night in you bed after just meeting, (or even in a bathroom) isn’t going to kill you. And it doesn’t mean you have to immediately go steady with her. Hell even if you did just have a one night stand sending a girl a quick “Thank You it was nice to meet you” text is going to make her feel respected. Its not that hard.
Don’t assume that because we like sex that means you can pull us into bathrooms, or kiss us without knowing if we want to kiss you back. Don’t break up with your girlfriends and then start sending us DM’s about how much of a ‘snack’ we are when we assume you are our friends. ( also the friend zone isn’t a real place take rejection like an adult)
When I started these last two posts, I was overwhelmed with uncomfortable and frustrated feelings. But now that they are done, its really easy to see that the problem isn’t with me. It isn’t a problem that I enjoy sex. Or that I enjoy casual sex. The fact that I have self-sabotaged by being a people pleaser has dramatically been brought to my attention. Past that, the problem is not with me. Or women like me. But with men who refuse to face their feelings. With men who continue to see women as mere sex objects, whether that is their intention or not.
I will never compromise what I am comfortable with for the sake of someone else ‘liking’ me again. Especially for people who wont do the same for me. In romantic relationships, friendships, or even with family. I already have practices in place to make sure even one night stands treat me like a human being. I am positively worth more than that. I am worth getting to know, and the men that are out there who can handle that are out there.
Thank You so much for reading these last two posts. If you liked what you read or have relatable experiences please leave comments. If anyone is interested in getting email updates for when I post please leave a comment. If I get enough interest I will work on getting an email subscription set up!