Sometimes I think I am doomed to be a hot mess forever. The more I think I’ve started to get my sh*t together, the more of a hot-mess I still seem to be. Does anyone else feel outright stupid sometimes?
It’s been like six months since I posted, so let’s catch you up. In November, I started a new adventure as a set PA on an indie film where I was consistently failing miserably. Followed by the return of the King of Mixed signals himself “motorboat.” telling me his continual remarks about wanting to sleep with me were a “joke.”
Like really? This means he was either objectifying me for his own amusement, gas-lighting me to avoid the consequences of his own actions, or the worst option just outright pretending to be interested in me.
When the production completely shut down due to a covid exposure. The combination of failure, humiliation, and lack of income sent me on a dark and depressive spiral.
It was horrible! In one month, I gained 30 pounds. Which is more than I did over the entire pandemic. My drinking got out of control, my sleep schedule was all over the place. “Jack Daniels,” being a more supportive friend than he ever was as a partner, had to talk me down from having a suicide plan. I had a plan, and I was going to follow through if it wasn’t for him.
I kept blaming it on not working. But honestly, I kept hearing a voice in my head saying, “it was a joke.” Something about how everything went down with “motorboat” made me believe to the depths of my core: that I was merely a joke. I know now that’s not what really happened, but regardless, that is how awful it made me feel. It’s not like I’ll ever go to him and be like, you caused me to feel this way. That’s ridiculous. But if he ever reads this, I hope he knows, the way you treat people has consequences. I may be responsible for how I react to what happens to me and how I heal from it, but you are responsible for how you treat people. And what you did and said was beyond cruel, and it left a permanent scar.
There is something about hitting that rock bottom that leaves you with nothing to lose. I had no job. And nothing to do with my time but spend time with my ex of all people and think about wishing I could disappear. I had to do something to move forward, to get out of the hole I had dug for myself So “Jack Daniels” helped me put a resume together, and between his contacts and mine, it worked! I landed a costume PA gig on a TV show!
I didn’t get much of an introduction to WHAT I would be doing, though. It was drastically different than the previous production assistant job I had. I do my best not to panic in situations of uncertainty. Because I’m learning that if you’re panicking, you’re not breathing, and if you’re not breathing, you’re not thinking. This is great in theory but especially hard in practice. When you are in a new environment and have no idea how to do what you’re supposed to be doing, it’s hard to think straight.
Most of my new job was pretty straightforward. I mostly ran errands and returned the clothing purchases the designers bought as options but ended up not using. It was a lot of driving back and forth from town to town, on top of the hour-long commute to the studio and back every day. Usually, the most challenging part of my job was keeping a positive working relationship with retail managers as I returned hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise at a time.
But I didn’t feel like I was doing a good job. I started off making minor mistakes that made me look weirdly incompetent. Locking up storage units when I left without turning off all the lights. Or just not filling out my time card correctly. Things I obviously didn’t know how to do but still left me feeling self-conscious about looking stupid.
Overall, it felt like I had managed to pull myself out of the very dark mental place I was before I was hired. However, looking back I don’t think I was completely out of the woods yet and it was effecting my work. The minor stupid mistakes we make when starting any new job started piling up. Being late, not understanding how to file receipts, and sending emails to my boss with the wrong attachment. Little goofs….. just kept happening. I feel like most of them were because I wasn’t in my right mind still, and the more mistakes I made… the more I would beat myself up and instead of learning I was panicking and it caused me to make more and more mistakes.
Eventually, though, minor mistakes turned into huge ones…. and in part two I will tell you about how I made a ridiculous fool of myself. How in my panic of being in a new field has whittled me down into someone who comes of as purely incompetent. And I will talk about how anxiety and stress can not only cause us to completely shut down and freeze but how we also cant retain new skill and information very well while in that state.
Thank You for reading my content! Please stay tuned for part 2. If you like what you’re reading or just relate: leave me a comment here or like, analyze, and follow me on Facebook “The Adventures Of Eleanor.”