Moving into the Unknown

As an actor, finding a flexible job to support yourself financially while pursuing your passion can be a challenge. For 14 years, I worked as a server, but I was unhappy and unfulfilled. I wanted a job that would coincide with my acting career and give me a sense of purpose. However, with most jobs, you either have the free time but no money, or you have the money but no free time to take classes and seize opportunities.

Then the pandemic hit, and restaurants shut down, leaving me at a crossroads. I didn't have any income, but I also didn't want to go back to what I was doing. I spent months wondering what I wanted to do with my life. As the lock downs started coming to an end the film industry started slowly coming back, and an old friend who knew I was struggling, took a chance on me and hired me as a production assistant.

For those who may not know, a Production Assistant or PA is an entry-level position on a film set. PAs help with tasks such as running errands, setting up equipment, and assisting the crew in any way possible. I was terrible at it. But it allowed me to see other opportunities in the industry.

I remembered that I had worked in a theater costume shop in college. That was it! – costuming was something I could do! So, I started a new journey to get into film costuming.

The thought of starting a new career was scary. I didn't know if it would work out, or if I could even do it. But sometimes, we have to face the unknown to find our path in life. As an actor, I've learned that taking risks is necessary, and leaving my comfort zone has led to some of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

If you're in a similar position, feeling unfulfilled and wanting to pursue a passion, don't be afraid to take a chance. You may not know where it will lead you, but you'll never know if you don't try. Remember that being an artist is about taking risks and embracing the unknown. It's about creating your path and finding your sense of purpose.

Check back in as I continue to chronicle the ups and downs of how my new career is going! Like me on social media for post updates, and sign up for my newsletter that as of right now tells you when new posts drop.

I’m BACK!

“I took a shower today.” I wrote in my journal about a month ago. “I took a shower today….” Even writing about it in my journal made me feel vulnerable and exposed, as if the page itself was poised to reveal my innermost secrets to an unsuspecting audience. How had I sunk so low that simply getting out of bed and caring for my basic hygiene felt like an impossible feat?

My life has undergone significant changes since I first started this blog several years ago, initially as a means of coping with a painful breakup. In those early posts, I wrote mostly about my dating experiences and the struggles of heartbreak. But then the pandemic hit, and like so many others, I found myself forced to simply exist in the face of so much uncertainty.

Despite the past year's challenges, there have been positive developments in my life as well. I've changed my daytime career path from waiting tables to working in costuming in film and television, which allows me to keep pursuing my dream of acting. And I've found a loving and supportive partner with whom I just celebrated a two-year anniversary. So why did I still feel so weighed down by an overwhelming sense of dread?

Last year was a whirlwind of busyness for me, but I ended it with a sense of financial stability that allowed me to take some time off. However, as soon as I stopped, I felt like my body was waiting for me to collapse in on myself, and it did so quickly and completely. I couldn't pinpoint any specific trigger for the sudden darkness that consumed me. I didn't confide in anyone about it, not because my depression convinced me no one cared, but because I felt undeserving of help. Disappearing into nothingness felt like the best option.

It wasn't until I started to pull myself out of the abyss and let the dust settle that I realized how much unsuspecting trauma I had accumulated during the past year. I had worked in two toxic environments with verbally abusive people, and my family members had faced health issues. The passing of family members. Other personal events that had paralyzed me emotionally and mentally, and I had bulldozed through them physically, spending most of the year in survival mode. I developed tunnel vision and lost sight of the basic things I needed to do, which led to a fight with my sister. Although the argument should have been about the issue at hand, it was probably about much more, and I worry that we won't recover from it.

As I struggled to cope, I felt guilty for wasting my privileged time off, even though I had a therapist whom I see regularly. I had isolated myself, self-sabotaged, and made many mistakes. I didn't know how to make myself feel worthy of existing and taking up space again. On top of everything, I faced medical complications with an irregular heartbeat that worsened my anxiety and depression.

Desperate to feel like myself again, I remembered how blogging had helped me overcome a previous hard time and realized that it could be a perfect outlet again. There was so much I had wanted to do with the blog the first time but hadn't been able to. So, I made a decision: if I did nothing else this year, I would survive, write about it, and strive to live a life worth blogging about, whether anyone read it or not.

I know that the dark space I've been in won't necessarily disappear anytime soon, but I'm determined to keep it from pulling me under as often and as deeply. I'm giving myself permission to start over, and I hope you will too.

Welcome back to the blog, and let's support each other in our journeys to survive and thrive.